remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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