I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
