i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
