i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
