I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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