Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
