my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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