we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
