her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
