david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
