so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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