saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
