Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
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So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
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TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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