Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
