then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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