im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
