So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
