I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
