Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
