you guys were way drunker than both of me
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
