So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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