I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
