also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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