i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
