I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
