shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
