you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm too high and old for this...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
