If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
