How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she looked like the before picture.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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