You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
whose parrot is this?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
