I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
