she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.