i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
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I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
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You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?