I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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