I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
