i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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