Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
