Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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