I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
