I'm so fucking centered right now
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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