i think i have two assholes
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
