God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
