quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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