I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
