So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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