thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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