you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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