There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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