I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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