Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
