You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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