my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
