So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
