watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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