Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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