So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
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He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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