If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
